Emotional Boundaries & their importance when exploring intimacy.

I am noticing a trend of conversation where communication & boundaries appear to be hot topics for the sexually explorative partaking in regular saucy rendezvous. One of the understated aspects of these discussions is from an emotional standpoint. Perhaps I’m jumping the gun here because I preach a lot in person. Still, I haven’t written much about boundaries, communication & expectations individually, & I feel they could have an entire blog post or potential thesis’ on their own. They all have their part in opening the way for the “consent” conversations that are now being introduced into Sex Ed classes in secondary schools & referenced in particular adult shows/ social media platforms. In saying that, I’d like to open an opinion on a niche aspect that isn’t talked about & something that is (in my line of work) quite underrated & valuable.

Emotional Discussion

First, let's discuss emotional disposition. We all have it. It carries our ambitions to fruition & our fantasies to fond memories. But how aware are we of our emotions? When do we know we are emotionally exhausted, refreshed, regulated or unstable? Honestly, we don’t until they either self-reflect or self-destruct & it is a tricky part of the soul to navigate, as it is celebrated by the mainstream to be driven by your emotions & “do what feels right”. That includes all the negative outbursts & romanticised toxic traits. But I digress.

Emotional Awareness

Now, if you’re anything like me & your emotions change per meal (if I remember to eat). I’m feeling a different type of way every 3 - 8 hours. What does that tell us about our emotional capacity? Firstly, we can note that it can be directly affected by our environment and thought patterns.

If your environment can adjust it, then we are responsible for what we surround ourselves with. It helps to take a moment to reflect on our current lifestyle & determine if these circumstances serve or drain us emotionally. Taking that into account - what can we change to improve our emotional health and implement the initiative into every pillar of our lives?

Linking Emotional awareness to intimacy

Now let's reflect on our previous sexual experiences & break down whether that environment benefited or even satisfied us emotionally or have our best intentions at heart. In my experience, psychosexual needs go in the direction of either letting go or taking control. So, were we able to confidently & comfortably explore those mentalities to their full extent?

If not, what would we do differently to give it our all - what preparation would we partake in? What kinks would we gravitate towards researching? Is there an element of tantra to include for an extra hint of comfort? These questions can provoke environmental changes & a way for us to look at sexuality as something that serves us emotionally.

The Emotional trap

When discussing self-reflection on intimacy, our environment affects our emotions. What if our strange human brains are biologically always chasing endorphins like dogs chasing cars? Some people find a sense of purpose when they start a new relationship, producing a spike of the “feel good” chemicals with every interaction. This then snowballs through the ‘honeymoon’ period, becoming their only source of happiness on which some become reliant.

When someone gives that power of their happiness to their significant other, it creates an imbalance of power in which they are solely putting that responsibility of their emotional regulation on the person they care about & which is not sustainable. It's a lot of one-sided pressure to uphold in a relationship. I have subconsciously put myself in this stress position more than I care to count. Being a provider for people (which I enjoy), & a people pleaser, I was taking on that responsibility.

Then, when something unexpected happens & expectations aren’t met over some time or within a time frame that was expected, I become their source of sadness because I’m not that person to put on a pedestal to facilitate their emotional dependence. And no one should be, as their only source of happiness or fulfilment. However, I take responsibility for reducing these behaviours in my previous relationships & friendships.

So there’s the trap - there was a period in my life when this was a cycle for me, & when that bubble burst, I would employ a flight response. I was grateful for the good times I had with them but understood that it was over from there on out.

How could I have perhaps avoided this life lesson?

Setting boundaries

We can see how important it is to be emotionally aware and learn our boundaries now. Emotional boundaries would have saved so much heartache & pain for so many people. It is also something I apply in my work. To avoid these situations, you can understand why it would be inappropriate to be overly emotionally invested with a client.

Starting with finding a level of contentment to supplement a sense of self-worth strikes me as fundamental; knowing our value to others by utilising healthy habits, self-directed personal development or even therapy for an alternative perspective helps establish an identity & guidance towards our intentions.

This affirms that we are responsible for our happiness, behaviours, choices & feelings and would be incapable of setting boundaries if we didn’t accept our power.

What boundaries do you need?

From the mentality that we’re emotionally sound & ready to explore something intimately or want to pursue a particular fantasy – What does that experience look like to you? How can you experience something so euphoric & be content with going home afterwards? Some great ways of implementing boundaries are asking these questions & setting certainties that would limit your environmental circumstances.

For starters, how much time have we allocated to this experience? (which would be governed by the one in charge of time management, which is a big concept for those ‘letting go’ as it restricts “clock watchers”.)

Secondly, what activities are off-limits? Areas being touched, words that are forbidden & toys we are not ready for. These should be spoken about in that initial conversation of what you enjoy in the bedroom while also being open to adaptation for adventure. Mutually sharing that information is a process of give & take. Identify if we need space afterwards or if there is something we’d like to do for ourselves to rebuild psychologically. Some of these boundaries that we set physically imprint on our emotional bodies. The similarities are uncanny. This is all spoken from a perspective of exploring with someone new rather than a regular play partner or relationship. In which you would have a good understanding of their desires, expectations, boundaries, etc.

The next step

Communication may be the most challenging part for some people who are highly vulnerable about opening up emotionally. But if we can’t talk about these things with the person we are intimate with, how are we expected to be comfortable when we’re physically most vulnerable?

Before engaging intimately with anyone, we need to know our emotional boundaries and understand that these could change with each interaction/ different person. Therefore, we must recalibrate our emotional boundaries for each person we engage with and listen to/respect the other person’s emotional boundaries. When those boundaries are crossed or stretched, having the conversation to reflect and readjust must be had, significantly if expectations change from those previously discussed.

It might be hard to gain some common ground, to begin with, as sometimes expectations don’t align. Still, by sticking to our intentions & talking through solutions, nothing should stop us from finding a mutual understanding. We may need to compromise certain aspects & miscommunication does happen, but being respectful, calm & understanding would mean a lot for the future of the engagement.

Concluding that by reflecting on our environments & thought patterns, we should be able to build

some self-awareness. While also finding areas of our life that we can adapt to fulfil our emotional selves. By revising this self-reflection process, we can establish our idea of intimacy and well-being capable of setting boundaries to help guide experiences with new lovers or current play partners.

Finishing off with the critical component we all know & love: communication. Allowing an open discussion to determine what we seek within a dynamic and how much we can commit to that engagement without giving too much of ourselves or enabling someone else to give too much of themselves. Ultimately, we are all adults doing adult activities; therefore, please allow space for all parties to be who they are without shame or judgment.