top of page
White Cotton Fabric

Reconnecting with desire after trauma - a gentle exploration of how escorts can help clients heal.

Writer's picture: Rhys PhillipsRhys Phillips



TW: discussion of sexual assault


I had coffee with a friend recently, who talked about her first relationship. “We were both quite young, and I had no frame of reference for what having sex should be like,” she confided, “He would often hurt me, ignore my expressed discomfort, and then not seem to notice if I was crying in pain. I would often lie there and pray for it to be over quickly.” She said that she felt traumatized by the relationship, and after finally ending it, that she dreaded having sex again.

When I asked her what had changed (she is now in a happy, healthy relationship), she told me she felt it was a healing relationship with a short-term partner she’d had afterwards. “I was only with him for a few months,” she said, “but that was long enough for me to see that a partner certainly could consider how I was feeling during sex and that sex didn’t have to be painful and dreadful, but fun and enjoyable.”

My friend’s experience with her first partner is sadly, not uncommon. Concerningly, 22% of women in Australia report experiencing sexual abuse since the age of 15¹. Despite this, a staggering 87% of victims do not report these assaults to the police², highlighting a troubling culture of silence and stigma.

It’s no surprise that sexual trauma and assault take a toll on those who experience it. Studies have found that women with a history of sexual assault reported higher clinical depressive symptoms and levels of anxiety⁴,⁵. Other more physical, somatic impacts have also been reported. Increased risk of heart disease⁶, gastrointestinal problems, muscle pain, and exhaustion⁷ have all been found to be associated with sexual abuse. Unless addressed, those who suffer can carry this trauma around for years. In his insightful book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk says, “Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard… In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them.”³ This awareness is also known as somatic engagement.

Somatic engagement, or being able to connect with the body, is something that some may struggle with after experiencing painful or traumatic sexual interactions. Some somatic treatments that have been found to be helpful for somatic re-engagement include yoga, breathwork, exercise, dancing, and massage⁸. However, sex workers can also potentially have a part to play as healers for some survivors of trauma and sexual assault⁹.

Sexologist Dr. Juan Camarena says, “Our reactions to sexual assault can disrupt the way we think, feel, behave, and interact with the world. It can impact the way we trust and create the need for new boundaries and ways of being with ourselves and others, especially during sex.”¹⁰ It is in this space of navigating ways of being with ourselves and others that sex workers could potentially be invaluable. Japan has long recognised the restorative power of sex work and openly advertises the iyashi (healing) work of escorts in the healing of trauma¹¹.

Of course, the idea of sex workers as healers is not without controversy. Ethical considerations, the stigma of seeing a sex worker, and varying standards of care within providers can complicate this approach. However, for some, the unique space provided by a compassionate, professional sex worker can potentially offer a path to healing that traditional therapy may struggle to find.

During my time working as an escort, I have frequently found the work I do to be akin to that of a healthcare worker. Sex workers can create a non-judgmental healing space for individuals to re-engage with their own bodies after previous traumatic experiences taught them that the body could experience only pain¹². This somatic reconnection can be healing to both mind and spirit and allow for both renewed enjoyment of sex with partners and an increased sense of internal coherence.

One small Australian study found that more than half of the women seeking the services of an escort or sex worker did so for therapeutic reasons¹³. These included physical issues that made having sex with their partners difficult, previous intimate partner violence, and seeking healing from sexual trauma. The participants in this study described the transformative power the relationship with the sex worker could have as they gained confidence and increased feelings of internal control. Several mentioned the positive therapeutic outcomes that were achieved and suggested that sexual services of this kind receive rebates from Medicare.

This is not to say that seeing a sex worker is for everyone! Seeing someone who does not have their client’s best interest at heart can be entirely counterproductive to healing, and for others, seeing a counsellor or psychologist may be more appropriate. Ultimately, healing from sexual trauma is deeply personal, and the paths to recovery are as diverse as those affected by it. Whether through therapy, somatic practices, or the compassionate care of a sex worker, the goal remains the same: to reclaim agency, rebuild trust, and rediscover joy in one’s body and relationships.



References


  1. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2021-22). Personal Safety, Australia. ABS. https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/people/crime-and-justice/personal-safety-australia/latest-release.

  2. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2020). Sexual assault in Australia. Canberra: AIHW.

  3. Kolk, B. V. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin UK.

  4. Casanovas, M., Kramer, T., Clarke, V., Goddard, A., M Elena, G., & Khadr, S. (2022). Somatic symptoms following sexual assault in adolescents: A prospective longitudinal study. Psychology, Health & Medicine, 27(3), 546-558.

  5. Thurston, R. C., Chang, Y., Matthews, K. A., Von Känel, R., & Koenen, K. (2019). Association of sexual harassment and sexual assault with midlife women’s mental and physical health. JAMA internal medicine, 179(1), 48-53.

  6. O'Neil, A., & Scovelle, A. J. (2018). Intimate partner violence perpetration and cardiovascular risk: a systematic review. Preventive medicine reports, 10, 15-19.

  7. Eslami, B., Di Rosa, M., Barros, H., Torres-Gonzalez, F., Stankunas, M., Ioannidi-Kapolou, E., ... & Melchiorre, M. G. (2019). Lifetime abuse and somatic symptoms among older women and men in Europe. PLoS One, 14(8), e0220741.

  8. Nixon, M. A. (2023). Exploring women's experiences of healing from sexual trauma through engagement in mind–body practices: A systematic review. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 24(3), 884-896.

  9. D’Adamo, K. (2022). Kink as healing professional. Ethics and Social Welfare, 16(2), 206–213. https://doi.org/10.1080/17496535.2022.2042038

  10. Camarena, J., in Patterson, J., & Anthony, B. (2024). Healing and re-learning sex after sexual assault: Advice from a sex therapist and reluctant survivor. Sexuality Social Justice.

  11. Koch, G. (2016). Producing iyashi: Healing and labor in Tokyo's sex industry. American Ethnologist, 43(4), 704-716.

  12. O’Doherty, T., & Bowen, R. (2024). Commercial Sex as Valuable? Policy Implications of Sex Workers’ Perspectives on the Contributions of Their Labor. Sexuality Research & Social Policy, 21(2), 527–542. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-023-00900-5

  13. Caldwell, H., & de Wit, J. (2021). Women’s experiences buying sex in Australia – Egalitarian powermoves. Sexualities, 24(4), 549–573. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460719896972


37 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


©2022 by rhysensual. Proudly created with Wix.com

bottom of page